Yesterday I googled LDS.org.  When it came up there was a clip on suicide.  To me it spoke of the importance of support for those who struggle with mental illness.  Just as a heart will not work right, so can a brain not work right.  That can have devastating effects to an individual's life.  It effects every part of their lives.  It is something they do not ask for.  Many people who are not involved in drugs and who have not been abused suffer from genetic depression.  It destroys their self esteem and confidence.  
     Prior to moving to Salt Lake, I had little experience with mental illness.  Our oldest daughter had a ten month old baby and a very active 2 year old.  Her husband was finishing up graduate school.  It became very clear after moving here that Leann was suffering from a very serious postpartum depression.  It would take her visits to the hospital, over 60 electric convulsive treatments and trying many drugs before she would find some happiness and some normalcy again.  (Finding the right drug combination can be very frustrating and take a long time.)   
     Eight years later, we relish every day she smiles and feels good.  As I watched that clip I thought about how many people surrounded Leann and supported her.   I am convinced that what saved her were those who surrounded her.  Her family.  Her husband's family. (We owe them so much.)  Visiting teachers who "get" mental illness.  And a husband who never gave up on her. (He has a gold throne in heaven.)   
    I am grateful to Leann for never breaking the commandments.  For never self medicating or abusing her drugs.  She is my heroine.  Her therapist said that in the end, when we see what she has become because of what she has endured, we will be surprised at the glory of her countenance.  We have watched countless tender mercies.    
     It has tried my faith to no end.  To watch her suffer.  To see her long to have her self esteem and confidence back.  To have it go on and on.  I had to finally be able to say, "Just help me live with her struggles.  Thy will be done."  
     Time has a way of working things out.  God stuck with me through my anger, my fears, my doubts, my falling off the emotional cliff countless times.  (Thank heavens for Brent.)  I know the Savior lives.  I know that he stands by us in our darkest hours.  Your acceptance, friendship and support could save a life someday.  

     Thursday morning about 12:30 AM, I was having a discussion with God.   I was in so much pain I was sure death would be better.  My bladder was screaming at me.  I was having a flare up of my inflamed bladder.  (No one knows what causes it or really how to heal it.  Relieving the pain can be difficult.)   I was discussing my faith.  Of course I wanted instant relief from the pain, but it went on. 
       I got out of bed and knelt down.  I explained to Him I had parent teacher conferences tomorrow.  I just didn't feel like my faith made any difference.  I tried to explain that when I or someone I love is in the middle of suffering, I am the champion of doubts.  Of wondering if my faith is not adequate and that is why the suffering goes on.  I told Him sometimes He is a mystery to me.  To please be patient with my struggles to have some kind of faith.  It just didn't seem to be getting me any relief.  
     It did ease somewhat and I finally went back to sleep after an hour, but woke up a lot.   I could hardly get out of bed in the morning.  I asked Brent for a blessing.  He promised me I would have the health and strength to do my parent teacher conference and teach. I went to work. (I got the gem of a husband.)   I started feeling better little by little.  By the end of the day I felt much better and had completed my conferences.  It always works that way.  
     I am a line upon line, precept upon precept person.  There is no instant miracles.  But it comes as a warm summer breeze.  I do feel that God is patient with my doubts, my growing pains and my ernest desire to have greater faith.  Elder Bednar of the Mormon Church gave a great talk about having the faith not to be healed.  I have attached it below.
     I am not healed and my never be, but the Savior does sustain me when I am having a flare.  I am really so much better than I was in January.  I do know now the pain will eventually recede and that He will ease and sustain me in my illness.  Whenever I need comfort and strength He will lead me to where I need to go to find it.  The Savior lives.

     Have a great week and may we find joy!
     Terri

https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/ces-devotionals/2013/01/that-we-might-not-shrink-d-c-19-18?lang=eng

    Prior to moving to Salt Lake,  all of our children came to New York to see our son who had recently returned from his LDS mission in Indonesia and to see New York one more time before we moved.  They had all been raised there.  We went on Friday evening to the new LDS Temple in Manhattan.  It was a joyous occasion.  Everyone was happy and thriving.  I thought now our kids were raised, passed the teenage years,  all would be well and life would be bliss.  It was a moment of insanity for me to think that.  I came to realize as post partum depression engulfed our daughter, loss of my husband's job, a son who chose a gay lifestyle, moving, my mother moving in with me and a very stressful teaching job, that life never gets easier.  Challenges come in waves that ebb and flow.  I struggled.  As a mother it was hard not to let my children's challenges consume me.  I wanted to be able to fix them.  A very wise friend and counselor helped me realize that all of the thinking, stressing and worrying would not fix it.  That I had to let go.  I was in the cheering section.  They were in the playing field.  My job was to love them and to find joy in my life.  To see all that I did have. 

      The Book of Mormon wisely teaches us that "Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy."  I begin praying eight years into my daughter's struggle with mental illness that God would help her to find joy.  I longed to hear her laugh.  To know joy.  I learned to accept that things might never changed and to pray that I learn how to live with that. 

     My son is still gay.  That is his choice.  But I can love him.  I can keep him close so that he will open up to me when he needs to.  My daughter is finding joy and doing much better.  I still struggle with stress.  I have listed below two talks of two of my favorite LDS leaders.  They are a great strength to me.  I hope they help you.  My we all find joy!

Terri

 http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=1941Elder (D.Todd Christofferson's CES Fireside Talk called "Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread.  This is one of my favorite all time talks. ) 

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng" ("Grateful in Any Circumstances" by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf)